I've never felt so miserable before in my life. Today I burst into a rage: shouting at my younger sister, having severe argument with her, and ... ending it by slapping her face.
That is of a thing I have never done before. I used to have that sort of perfect self-control that even though something bad make me upset, I've always managed to get over it before I have to yell to anyone that has caused it.
I used to adopt that "Se A Vida e" way of viewing problems, which means when I encounter problems; whatever they are I won't let them trouble me; for well, isn't that what life is all about? Having problems and facing them.
But today, I forgot all the stuff. I unnecessarily and stupidly shouted at my sister so severely though despite her let's say wrongdoing, she did not deserve it.
I was angry with my sister because she is so lazy (she is a hi-school student, btw). Forget about helping our mother with her household works, she even so often adds it with telling her to do this and that which are supposed to be her own responsibilities. My mother, who rather spoils her, will easily grant her requests.
I am also very angry because she so often without guilt speaks in impolite high tone to my mother; resembling exactly the way the antagonist evil characters in soap operas treat the protagonist characters. They --my sister and my mother-- often have severe arguments, which I cannot stand. So often these are that my mother usually gives up and does what she wants.
She did them again today (I wrote this on Sunday night, btw); loafing around and speaking with her sharp tongue to my mother. And that was when the problem started. I told her to get up, turn off the TV and help our mother prepare lunch (I couldn't do so because I was preparing to go to work). But she replied in a sharp high tone, which, because of my uncommonly unstable emotional condition, I replied back with higher tone. She replied even higher and sharper, and that prompted my even harsher, and so on. We indeed had severe quarrel, and I ended it by slapping her face in an attempt to shut her mouth.
I had had quarrels with her, but they were never as severe as this one. And moreover I had never slapped her face before.
She cried after that; locking herself in her room. I couldn't help dropping tears, too, though I had to take a bus to go to my workplace; more tears of anger instead of sadness.
But less than an hour, while I was still in te bus, I felt so terrible with what I had done. Not just terrible; I also felt ache in my heart.
I think I have gone too far. I think instead of inspiring her to change, what I did was hurting her so deeply because while I was shouting angrily at her, came out all those hurting words I should have never said.
It just felt right at that time, but now it feels so wrong.
I sent her an SMS asking for her apology for my being "gone too far" while I was still in the bus. And she replied, saying that she felt sorry, too, and regretted her sharp reply. She promised me that from now on she would try to be a good girl, and a good daughter to our parents.
But, still, the ache remains. I realized however that I did not treat her fairly when quarreling with her. It was not her mere doing that has caused me that rage. Hers only does not deserve such storming.
I've been very angry with the company I permanently work at (for making me overworked yet giving me unequal compensation); I've been extremely tired because I have had to do double job (I've taken a side job too during the past week because one salary only appears to be not enough to afford me and my family; my aging parents can no longer afford themselves now); and I've been fairly laden with a few other stuff too recently. And these are all made worse with that pms.
I didn't know to whom I can throw those angers to; and so, I threw them all to her, my own beloved younger sister.
It hurt me so when I heard her sobbing in her locked room. I have never heard her crying so sadly and miserably before; she was seemingly shocked with my treating of her as I had always been her favorite sibling (at least before what happened this morning). Even though I have asked for her apology, and she has done me the same, I don't feel anything better because I'm afraid the pain that I've caused her will never mend.
Yes, they say, release your anger; it will drive you mad when you restrain them. But, in my case, I have learned that doing so doesn't at all help. Now I feel more terrible and miserable than before, and this is added with that ache for causing deep pain in the heart of someone you care so much about.
