Okay, I admit I was a loner. I had not many friends, spent most of my time alone at school (I mean, outside the classroom sessions), found something to eat at canteen and walked home all alone by myself. Only occasionally was I accompanied with a friend when doing those stuff. I'm not sure, but I guess people saw me as a weirdo, though not quite as a geek (I didn't look like those bookworm-type, upon my words!), which was why I liked Radiohead's Creep very much.
But, hey, that was my choice. I consciously picked to outcast myself instead of being outcast by my schoolmates. The reason is, well, first, I was crazy about being 'one of a kind', a uniquely different person who lived in her own world; and, secondly, I was too disappointed with friendship. Those calling themselves my best friends had often left me for somebody else, they had never been there when I had needed them, and so I learned to depend solely on me.
That 'outcast moment' happened in my high school time, which also saw me developing hatred against almost everybody because I felt disappointed by almost everybody. You know those stupid youth' search for identity; I guess that was what was going on with me.
I pledged, however, that I would change all the situation by the time I entered college. And so that was what I did when I started my life as a university student, which was about 7.5 years ago. I made friends with everyone, I talked confidently in front of mass (of my fellow university mates), I joined at least four student organizations; that a friend said I was one of two most confident persons she had ever known. That was far beyond my expectation.
Anyway, during my last university years, again I was outcast. This time it wasn't because I wanted it, but rather because I joined a minority student movement who had intense frictions with some of the major ones. Members of the two different groups act like enemies whenever they met, though it was rather a cold physical war. And, well, because they're the majority, me and a few friends at the minority group were outcast. Silly wasn't it? Thaz why I hardly respect student movements now, unlike I had used to do in the past when university students were on the peak of their popularity (because they, along with other movements, successfully forced former president Soeharto to resign in 1998). I know too well how they often have stupid, unnecessary clashes with one another.
I didn't at all enjoy the outcast times at university. I generally perceived my high school and university days as a failure, part of the past I'd like to skip, I'd prefer to forget. I've learned the lessons, I know it happened, but it doesn't mean I have to remember it.
And so, when I entered the career world, I again pledged I would never do the same mistakes I had done in the past. I would this time make friends, I would never be outcast anymore. I still would not let myself keep any sorts of expectations on people, because it hurts when they let you down, however that doesn't mean I would let myself alone. I need to make friends, need to do it everywhere because, well, basically it is part of network building, one of the very important demands of my reporting job.
And I made it. Okay, most people seem to judge me wrongly when they first see me (due to my rather unusual attire and awkwardness before strangers, I believe), but as soon as they get to know me better (if they give themselves a chance for that, of course) they will mostly like me. I'm that type of person that doesn't likely bring any air of harm to people around me. I'm not among those who can make people 'socially' threatened, as I don't give damn care about competing or showing off (even if do, I am too smart to do it too obviously : D). If I don't like a person, I will not, unless very forced to, slam him or her frontally; I would instead choose to avoid them secretly. If I like ones then I will not be too aggressive (which can make some people run from you), I will perhaps greet them or make acquaintance with first, but I give over the next moves to them. If he or she comes to me again, then I perceive it as a green light. It means they very probably like me, too, and are ready to welcome me warmly anytime in the future.
However, then, this 'success' in interpersonal strategy appears to be likely too much for me. Now I have this queue of friends who each periodically ask me to hang out or to have serious talk with. It looks like they dub me as a good listener, and they like my responses to their problems. Even though still I play passive, they don't get bored proactively asking for my opinions, comments, remarks or whatsoever. I don't know better way to make them do these stuff less frequently. I don't know how to say now without disrupting the friendship.
Yes, as I write this, I'm not trying to say that I'm bored with these people I dub as friends. And I don't by all means wish they would stop talking to me (be careful with what you wish for, says one of them). I do, from the bottom of my heart, like them. They equally listen to me when I talk, and do show their care for me; a treatment I had hardly received from those I called friends in high school or university times.
But, perhaps, I'm not used with this attention, not used with this hectic social life. Little by little I start to realize that basically I am indeed a loner. It doesn't mean I want to be alone all the times; it's just I'm getting aware that I am that sort of person who always need enough time to be alone every once in a while. I always need some time to contemplate, to think about things happening in my life or about next steps I have to do in life, to hear the sound of the nature, to listen to my own inner voice; to the sounds appearing in my head, without being distracted by arriving SMS or phone calls, by friends continually coming to me, or by Mum's or my sister's calling. Then, after I'm done with that alone ritual, I can return to everyday life, where again I greet and meet my beloved family and friends.
That some time to be alone is now a luxury to me. My hectic job and social lives don't allow me to have it. I am mostly alone in my own room at night, but on such times I am usually very tired and sleepy already. On office days it is my job that cause me exhausted, on holiday it is my friends that do me so.
