People seeing me, but not knowing me quite well, seem to always judge me wrongly.
Some, who have never seen anyone wearing clothing like me, or have only seen them very rarely on TV news on the arrest of terrorist suspects (which usually shows the fully-covered "extremist" ladies), see me with judgmental or stereotypical, if not disgust looks on their faces.
While others, who have likely often met with highly-amiable, affectionate ladies with wide head scarves and long shirts and skirts or long gowns (ones like I always wear in public places), see me with expectations that I would be as warm, as cordial as those ladies they know.
The first type of people wonder why I wander around the luxurious shopping malls in town, why I have a coffee or have a lunch in the cafes or restaurants, which usually are filled only with modern-clothing people like them. They like frowning at seeing me!
The second type likely expect that I will treat them gently, saying hello to them with attentive smile and asking them how do they do, if not help them solve their personal problems. Some of the men see me with strange, odd looks that make me think they must be thinking about marrying me, or making me their second wives if they're married already...yaki!
I despise both. They are the same: religious persecutors that are taking their tolls on someone like me.
There are different levels of dislikeness, depending on the extent of the persecutions. But, I can only say that I hate both the types because I'm never what they think I am.
Can't they see that I'm just me? This clothing is only what I wear, and not what is inside me.
And they shouldn't ever conclude or so easily persecute that these sort of wearings must mean that I am this or that kind of person; cause I'm not. Nobody can ever understand me simply by looking me at my clothes, as I'm not like everyone. Even those who have often talked to me can't understand me, how come those only have only seen me several times or even once think they do? How reckless!
I will tell you...that despite my 'fundamentalist appearance', I'm a free bird spreading her wings and flying highly on the sky above.
I'm flying here, there and everywhere, but eventually toward only one direction: my Creator, my biggest source of inspirations. He is the reason why I keep living, why I keep on moving (despite some couples of suicidal thoughts). He is my final destination, and I try my best to run my life inside, not outside His guidelines.
In this 'modern' nowadays life, 'religious' persons like me (I accept that labeling, though I refuse to be called 'pious' or 'godly' as I'm not, or not yet) will always receive labels of irrational, narrow-minded, backward, and sort of those stupid stereotyping.
I don't deny that some of those persons are so, but I must also say that this thing, as many other things, can't be and shouldn't ever be generalized.
I, for myself, who can't claim that I represent all the 'old-fashioned believers', is free as a bird. I do things based on rational judgments, based on my consciousness, or my wit.
In most things I don't follow my emotion, nor instinct, but, rather, I follow my thoughts, including in the matter of religious deeds, which are always linked with indoctrination.
I don't agree with religious doctrines. I become a believer after diving through my own sea of internal conflicts of thoughts (such as between the ideas of evolution and creation); and thereafter I do the so-called irrational religious duties in full conscious, as the consequence of my belief in the existence of God and how I have too limited knowledge for the too large, too mysterious universe He has created.
And so is the case with my clothing.
People can't easily lie at me. They can't tell me to do this or that because I will only do what I find out, with my own rational thoughts, that the things make sense and that I have to do them.
Anyway, I know I can't dictate what people should thought of me when they see me.
What I can do with the first type of persons is staring at them back with dignity, and let my eyes say what I want to say to them:
'Excuse me, but it is so pity how so 'modern' people like guys you have so narrow mind, wrongly judging that people like me must be as thoughtless or as backward as those people you see on the ill-persecuting medias'.
And to the second type of people, I will just reply their remarks with what I will say to everyone. That'll be enough to show how I really am; just an ordinary girl who can commonly make mistakes and maybe not as friendly as those amiable girls they know.
To those thinking about making me their second wife: Go to **LL!!
