The World of Mine

People seeing me, but not knowing me quite well, seem to always judge me wrongly.

Some, who have never seen anyone wearing clothing like me, or have only seen them very rarely on TV news on the arrest of terrorist suspects (which usually shows the fully-covered "extremist" ladies), see me with judgmental or stereotypical, if not disgust looks on their faces.

While others, who have likely often met with highly-amiable, affectionate ladies with wide head scarves and long shirts and skirts or long gowns (ones like I always wear in public places), see me with expectations that I would be as warm, as cordial as those ladies they know.

The first type of people wonder why I wander around the luxurious shopping malls in town, why I have a coffee or have a lunch in the cafes or restaurants, which usually are filled only with modern-clothing people like them. They like frowning at seeing me!

The second type likely expect that I will treat them gently, saying hello to them with attentive smile and asking them how do they do, if not help them solve their personal problems. Some of the men see me with strange, odd looks that make me think they must be thinking about marrying me, or making me their second wives if they're married already...yaki!

I despise both. They are the same: religious persecutors that are taking their tolls on someone like me.

There are different levels of dislikeness, depending on the extent of the persecutions. But, I can only say that I hate both the types because I'm never what they think I am.

Can't they see that I'm just me? This clothing is only what I wear, and not what is inside me.
And they shouldn't ever conclude or so easily persecute that these sort of wearings must mean that I am this or that kind of person; cause I'm not. Nobody can ever understand me simply by looking me at my clothes, as I'm not like everyone. Even those who have often talked to me can't understand me, how come those only have only seen me several times or even once think they do? How reckless!

I will tell you...that despite my 'fundamentalist appearance', I'm a free bird spreading her wings and flying highly on the sky above.

I'm flying here, there and everywhere, but eventually toward only one direction: my Creator, my biggest source of inspirations. He is the reason why I keep living, why I keep on moving (despite some couples of suicidal thoughts). He is my final destination, and I try my best to run my life inside, not outside His guidelines.

In this 'modern' nowadays life, 'religious' persons like me (I accept that labeling, though I refuse to be called 'pious' or 'godly' as I'm not, or not yet) will always receive labels of irrational, narrow-minded, backward, and sort of those stupid stereotyping.

I don't deny that some of those persons are so, but I must also say that this thing, as many other things, can't be and shouldn't ever be generalized.

I, for myself, who can't claim that I represent all the 'old-fashioned believers', is free as a bird. I do things based on rational judgments, based on my consciousness, or my wit.
In most things I don't follow my emotion, nor instinct, but, rather, I follow my thoughts, including in the matter of religious deeds, which are always linked with indoctrination.

I don't agree with religious doctrines. I become a believer after diving through my own sea of internal conflicts of thoughts (such as between the ideas of evolution and creation); and thereafter I do the so-called irrational religious duties in full conscious, as the consequence of my belief in the existence of God and how I have too limited knowledge for the too large, too mysterious universe He has created.
And so is the case with my clothing.
People can't easily lie at me. They can't tell me to do this or that because I will only do what I find out, with my own rational thoughts, that the things make sense and that I have to do them.

Anyway, I know I can't dictate what people should thought of me when they see me.

What I can do with the first type of persons is staring at them back with dignity, and let my eyes say what I want to say to them:
'Excuse me, but it is so pity how so 'modern' people like guys you have so narrow mind, wrongly judging that people like me must be as thoughtless or as backward as those people you see on the ill-persecuting medias'.

And to the second type of people, I will just reply their remarks with what I will say to everyone. That'll be enough to show how I really am; just an ordinary girl who can commonly make mistakes and maybe not as friendly as those amiable girls they know.
To those thinking about making me their second wife: Go to **LL!!

Before I start with this writing, let me say that from the bottom of my heart, I never mean to hurt or be racist to anyone, especially the Chinese, whom I mention a lot in this posting.

I will only write on what I've heard from my own closest family member's experiences, and link them to the phenomenon of Chinese economic and industrial boom.

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Ok, here the story is...

In a hope to earn better payments, a few months ago my 28-year-old elder sister decided to leave her job as a researcher at a state-owned biotechnological research center and started a new career as a quality control manager at an animal food manufacturer in the Jakarta suburb of Tangerang.

Some businessmen, coming straightly from the People's Republic of China, had just established the manufacturer, so my sister was their first ever head of QC lab.

My sister had been promised with Rp 3.5 million (approximately US$380)of monthly payment, around three times her previous salary. But, as she was introduced to the animal food firm by a recruitment company, she had to give away around a half of her salary to the latter for the first three months.
Only recently has she finally received full payment.

Better payment (though still too little, too, actually) doesn't always mean better job. This is obvious on my sister's case. As a QC lab, she is supposed to be responsible only on planning and managing the duties of her division while directing and supervising her staff.

But, as the Chinese firm has no cleaning service staff, my sister and her analyst staffers are, too, in charge of cleaning up the floors, the walls, the desks and everything in the QC lab.
The worst thing in this extra job stuff is that one of her staffer even received an order to massage an ailing Chinese boss! Can u imagine that? Hello...they are scientists, not massagers! (By the way, I dunno if the analyst finally massaged the boss, as I dunno is it he or she).

But, the extra jobs are, to my sister, not as frustrating as her "highly demanding" and "stingy" Chinese-citizen bosses.

These bosses told her to buy laboratory equipment according to their maximum price standards, which are very very low and caused my sister big difficulties to meet the demand, as no lab equipment available here in our country (Indonesia) is as cheap as the maximum price standard the bosses have set.
But, the bosses insisted, and they finally told her to order the equipment directly from China. As we all know how competitive prices of Chinese goods can be, my sister finally got what her bosses wanted.
Unfairly, and maddeningly (!), they blame her for the lateness of equipment procurement, while it is obvious that their very strict and stingy policy is the one causing the prolonged procurement (you know shipment and licensing stuff, right? They're also the issue here).

Now, said my sisters, many of those equipment sent directly from China have broken or got out of order, even though the workers have only used them for a very few month.

...?

Any question here? If no, shall we continue?

Similar things have often happened, and they always blame my sister for the delays etc. Worse, they have frequently cut her salaries in a quite significant amount for the so-called mistakes of her! They said she did not deserve "such high salary" for her "slow" job. Gimme a break! Are they out of their mind?

These stingy bosses, too, cut her salary when she couldn't go to work because she gets ill, while giving her not even a slight of extra money when she has to work overtime, which is often. Don't you think it is so fair?

My sister doesn't get a computer to make her reports, so as the entire QC division. She and her staffer have to borrow computers of other people from other divisions, who seem to very mind lending them the machines as if afraid they would break them anytime. One of her staffer received a praise from the bosses because she decided to buy a laptop with her own money so that she can do her job at the office.
Excuse me...? Don't you think there's something weird here?

I won't generalize. I also work at a Chinese-owned company, but these Indonesian Chinese bosses of mine are still quite generous to me. They give me higher-than-average monthly payment, and provide me with a number of facilities enabling me to do my best job.

The Chinese bosses my sister is currently working with (of course, she's now searching for a new job) are not Indonesian citizens; they come directly from China, whose economic growth is the most rapid in the world.

Now I've begun to understand how China can produce so cheap stuff that drives its competitors mad. Their secret of success, as I have also read in some articles, is very likely the amazingly low production costs.
And how they suppress the costs?
I think you can learn one of the techniques from my sister's experience.

Indeed, I am very pessimistic with the ongoing circumstances in regards to economic and environmental matters.

You see, in the last few years more and more people have gradually become aware of environmental issues and backed those combating environmental degradation, including the magnificent Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio, but on the other hand, most governments, if not most people, seem to still pledge their allegiance to efforts on preserving sustainable economic growth.

Now, the problem is, I don't think that that goal of economic growth will ever walk side by side with environmental protection efforts.

As it is always cheaper to have mass production, to allocate less or even no money for waste management, and to be irresponsible manufacturers (these are all principles of economy; gain maximum profit with minimum costs, aren't they?), why would ever a business choose to do the opposites?
And the results are, as we've seen, irreversible exploitations of large amount of natural resources; severe air, water and ground pollutions; and of course, the becoming ever popular global warming.

Have you ever heard a country aimed at reducing the amount of their car sales, or their oil & gas production, or their shoes' exports, or their paper and furniture productions?
I haven't. Even if such aims are indeed there, they are mostly prompted by certain situations like the lack of human resources or technology mastery, the lack of funding to maintain production, or by growing need of certain products domestically (in the case of exported products).
Never have I heard any country wants to reduce production of an item solely based on environmental considerations.
Nope, such things are not on their agendas.

So, with this ongoing situation where every country in the world -- either the rich, the developing or the poor ones-- are still eyeing growth in production, exports and finally economy, isn't it normal that I turn very pessimistic with the environmental protection efforts?

Prominent world leaders have frequently met to discuss about "the save the world" issues, but I think all they have done is using up the getting rare fossil fuel through frequent flights with airplanes and making the globe become even warmer.

What they've managed to secure is merely their plans to keep boosting their respective economic growth, if they don't want to be left behind in this era of globalization and global competitions.

Are there any of these people really serious about tackling with the climate and environmental issues? I don't think there are. You see, as we can't, they also can't see the impact of our efforts to protect the earth as immediate and as easy as seeing the impacts of economic growth to their people's, and especially their and their loyalists', lives.

I say all we can do is just waiting for the world to meet its end with its gradual yet sustainable destruction.

If the industries still set their eyes on boosting production of every goods, we will perhaps be lucky enough to see the end of the world before the end of our lives. Such thing won't be solely of our grandchildren's privileges.

Dear Huckleberry Friend,

Huck 2

Now I can never write a posting for this blog at office relaxedly again. I have to do it in other places or secretly, very secretly; only if I'm sure that the boss, who just came back from Harvard a month ago, is not around.

Indeed, he oddly has a hobby of silently looking at what we, his staff reporters, are writing of. While we were writing seriously, or relaxedly, facing the monitor of our computers, he would be standing behind us without making any voice, or maybe without even breathing! We'd only know that he was there if we turned around to get something or if we changed our position. What the hell is the man doing? Isn't that psycho?

Worse, as far as I know, before he left for Harvard, he also had had that hobby of insulting people with his ill remarks. He had seemed to enjoy the changes on his 'victims' faces after being forced to listen to all the things he said.

I'm not sure if he still keeps his great interest in the latter; what obvious is that he still enjoys the former heartily.

I've never met such 'one-of-a-kind' person in my life before. What a phenomenal man he is!

Everybody at office likes talking about what he has done or what he has said to some people, who are fed up but can hardly do anything to make him pay for what he had done.

He knows that gossiping of him, but enjoys it! He is obviously proud of being a 'phenomenon'. What a self-pride...

Really, I wonder how the psychology of a person like him is. How was his past? What had he endured that turned him into how he is now? But, I don't want to flatter him by asking him the questions. He doesn't deserve any flattering from me!

Anyway, I admit that he is not that type of person who can only talk but having no brain to think. Of his addresses to me, mostly delivered in ill way, some strangely appear to be useful advises that none of the other bosses has ever given me.

Well, as he's not going to leave for Harvard again at least in the near time, it looks like I have to develop my immune system so as to counter his next ill remarks, until I get completely immune or until he gets bored with those silly hobbies.

What I will certainly do in the mean time is writing posts for this blog only after I'm sure that he won't be standing behind me to read the drafts.

These last few weeks have been a sluggish, so tiring days for me. I’m losing mood to do anything, running out of energy to be as cheerful and enthusiastic as I usually am, and no longer having interest in the things I’ve always been interested in.

When I experienced these sorts of things a few years ago, I would have been extremely desperate and thought about suicides, without obvious reason why I have to do so. I just felt that days became so gloomy, that I lost hopes, that there was nothing I wanted to do.

But, now, after reading some articles on premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), I’ve become a little more relaxed. Well, knowing you are just among 5 percent of women in the world suffering from PMDD is enough to make you stop thinking about committing a suicide.

The articles have allowed me to know that my problems must have not been that bad. It is hormonal changes caused by the PMDD that makes them sound that bad.

Now, I’ve come to understand, too, that there’s no such thing as women being ‘mysterious creatures’, as often written by those male novelists writing as if they know everything about women.

Women have to undergo hormonal changes periodically, some with very severe symptoms of PMDD; that is why they can be so different person from one time to another. Aren’t that unpredictable, drastic changes in emotion that have contributed to that ‘mysterious’ label?

Talking about PMDD (is it a taboo, or sexually provocative I talk about it here? Actually, I’m not so troubled with having discussion on the topic because I’m a graduate of a health department – I’m a pharmacist, to be exact), some medical articles I’ve read suggest that women suffering from it need some medication to help them cope with their days.

Although being suspicious that I am indeed suffering from the disorder (I draw this conclusion from a simple PMDD test I did), I don’t think I need any of the medication. I can still work, can still write the news (by the way, I’m a pharmacist turn journalist), though having a little more difficulties to concentrate and write the stories in good structure.

I don’t know where I’m heading to with this writing. I don’t know my own points. Actually, my initial intention is just to channel this restlessness and loss of enthusiasm I’m currently experiencing.

Gosh, I just feel so sleepy, so having a drop in enthusiasm…I wish…I don’t even know what I have to wish for.

Actually, if it is indeed the PMDD symptoms that I’m currently having, I wonder why this month it is longer than in previous months. In fact, I’ve gradually lost enthusiasm in many things since last month, the reason why I spent a quite long time before sending another posting to this blog. Am I suffering from anemia, too? Or am I having a psychological problem?

Gee, I dunno…Just hope that these dark days become bright again sooner.