Tears often drop when we don't want them to; there's nothing wrong with that. What confuses me is that in many cases they also often drop while we feel no sort of emotions normally making us wanna cry.

Well, at least it is what has been happening to me in the last two years.

I used to be emotionless years ago, especially when I was still a high school student. As a young girl from an underprivileged family, I hardly shed any tears however difficult, however painful the circumstances surrounding me were.

Such psychological state was actually a result of so many hard times, hurtful situation I had had to endure before. As those terrible times had used to leave deep pain within me, I then learned not to feel.

And I succeeded. I turned into a robot; could work and could think, but could not feel.

Indeed, that helped me a lot in going through my days. Thanks to such stance, I underwent my teenage time without so many difficulties, though on the contrary my family was having hardship with my dad just losing his job. He was unemployed for years, following the monetary crisis and then political crisis hitting our country some 10 years ago. I cannot imagine how he afforded our life, how he could still send his two elder daughters to universities and the two younger children to school that time.

Anyway, the emotionless state was not always beneficial. It did help me survive my teenage, but on the other hand it was killing my relationship with people. I had almost no close friends from that high school era.

Being emotionless made me used to show no emotions; whether I was deeply thankful or terribly angry. I turned untouchable; there were always invisible walls between me and people around me. I was cold, aloof and reserved; I was anything but a friendly, amiable person to make friend with.

That time nothing made me fear, nothing made me sad, nor made me sincerely laugh (I laughed a lot that time, but hardly ever with my heart). Every time things became more unbearable, I ran to this 'world' I had created and expressed all my emotions there. So when I got back to the 'real world', I was no longer troubled.

Such complex self-defense mechanism, isn't it? But, I guess I'm not so different with many people in term of this.

Anyway, what I am trying to tell now is how confused I am that while I never shed any tears when I was at high school, however right for crying the situation was, tears drop so easily on my face now, causing me a lot of embarrassing moments.

Along with my being more open, more sociable and more touchable to people around me, my emotions, too, become vulnerable; so vulnerable that I can't control it.

Now I often easily shed tears whenever I feel sad or touched, but the strangest thing of all is that I also often do so while I am so fully conscious that I feel no single emotion making me want to cry.

How does it happen? What makes it so? Is this a result of years of restraining? Are those tears buried emotions I should have released years ago?

I have no idea. Now I'm just struggling to be 'quite normal'.